How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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