I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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