he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
