Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
