Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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