my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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