you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
