it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
