Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
