I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
