I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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