My cat gives me a boner
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
