when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.