i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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