i wish my penis had a tongue
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Drunk is not a location!
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
