He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
