There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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