My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
