I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
