That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
he shaved USA in his pubs
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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