Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
