I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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