**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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