she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
