I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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