I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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