I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
