why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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