wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
A bitchslap is in order.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
