Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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