Rock
Scissors
Fuck
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
