I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
