It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
