I accidentally had phone sex last night
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
