I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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