so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
