I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
