awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
