I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Let's get the cat blown out
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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