You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
