I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
