it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
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Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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