i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
