she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
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