You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
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