How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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