Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
