The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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