Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
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Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
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We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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