Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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