I only kidnapped one of them. chill
it hurts more in the daytime
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
