i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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