my soul wont recognize me after tonight
he shaved USA in his pubs
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
