im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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