I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
