Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
