i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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