just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
